I was on this music induced high as I walked out the door of my apartment to catch the 3:45 shuttle to emory to make my 4 o’ clock class. I had even put on my Michael Jackson button (a picture from when he was still black) and ya’ll know I don’t do accessories. I was feeling really good and I was on time to meet the shuttle. As the driver open the door. there was a man slowly making his way down the steps of the shuttle to the side walk. I was annoyed because I didn’t want to keep the driver waiting and I impatiently looked at the man. He had on flimsy, almost cellophane sun glasses and I realized that he was blind. As he was trying to reach the side walk with his foot, he stepped out, only to barely catch the edge of the curb and he ended up falling flat on his face.
I saw it happen. I saw it happen in slow motion. I saw his foot tentatively search for a landing place and I just stood back and watched it all. I could see it happening and I did not move paralyzed by societal forces that tell us not to touch not to help that we are all fucking autonomous. I tried to help him up. Well, I reached out to him and crouched asking if he was ok. He said he was fine. The driver got off and helped the man to his feet. His “glasses” were askew and I could see thick whitish scar tissue on his eyes. He knew him. The driver asked Clint where he was going. Clint said he was going to mcdonald’s to get something to eat and then he only had to walk a block. The driver said ok but be sure to use the cross walk. And Clint said ok. He walked off and the driver got back on the shuttle. I got on the shuttle and I noticed that everyone on the shuttle was sitting in their seat. they acknowledge me with a weird stare and I’m sure they saw the whole thing transpire. I sat down and I started crying.
I don’t think I can convey correctly how deeply this upset me. I talk about race but damn. Clint, a 40 something working class (I’m assuming based on his attire) black man has to ride the shuttle, has to fucking walk the streets of Atlanta with it’s anti pedestrian sidewalks and fall flat on his face because I was too scared, dumb, insensitive, rude, individualistic, to actually help him. Disability is something we tack on to our interlocking oppression spiel. But falling down because society assumes that everyone should see is no different from any of the other problematic assumptions society makes that we privilege in our discussions of oppression. I cried all the way home on the walk back from class. I cried for Clint and the fact that there is no one to be with him as he moves through this hostile city. I cried because there shouldn’t have to be anyone with him because society should understand that some people can’t see and that it is imperative that provisions be made. I cried because we are so invested in our own little spheres that we forget our fellow citizens. I cried because I’m in a women’s studies program supposedly looking at disability and I wasn’t anymore sensitive that someone else might have been.
I challenge you as I am challenging myself never to be so callous again. I prayed (another thing I don’t do) for forgiveness for not acting in this situation, for Clint, and for the strength and courage to never be a bystander in that sense again. I’m not sharing this to illicit sympathy but to hope that if any of you encounter a similar situation that you won’t make my mistake.
8 comments:
moya, you are the most empathetic person i sort of know.
for you, i would join the revolution.
beans, thank you for your prayers for we are all disabled in some way. thank you for your tears, compassion and recognition that we all are falling short and simultaneously experiencing everything we need to learn and grow. you were a loving witness in this experience for a reason. maybe it was simply to help you recognize yourself in someone else. maybe it was to help us all recognize our own blindness to each other. either way, thank you for seeing what you saw and communicating it to the world. u be making us proudness.
and summer, that is the best line ever. for real. even better than reciting a "silent treatment" lyric. (although that was pretty dope too). quite classic i declare. "for you, i would join the revolution". something to remember no doubt.
i feel you moya. i ride the bus an hour and a half to school each day, and austin has the most blind people i have ever seen. each time i see them i wonder, should i help them? each situation is different though- some people are incredibly self-sufficient and used to the system while others are trying to reach that level. some seem as though they can see just as well as we can... but there are still moments where i see someone struggling to figure out if the bus in front of them is the right one and, rather than help them, i find myself paralyzed. but last week i saw something that helped me make my decision; one of the bus drivers pulled up to a blind passenger and immediately got out and helped him onto the bus. it didn't matter if he could help himself or not; her sense of humanity forced her to reach out. so maybe rather than worrying about offending people by giving them help, i thought it more important that i reach out and let them know that someone is there... but that's easier said than done. so i appreciate your story, and i don't think that you should blame yourself. it shows that you're human. and i think your experience happened so that we could all add another dimension to our understanding of the world and the struggle... i hope that makes sense.
Crying is good. Feeling is good. Thank God you are not numb. Fear holds us back and there are things and people that threaten. Love summons us out of hibernation cause there are people we must grip and touch and love. I don't know the difference. (Well I know--we all know everything we need to know-- but I don't know that I know.) You're not bad. What happened was not bad. Just and experience that made you feel and will make others feel and grip and touch and love.
A woman was asking for directions today. Everybody ran away from her thinking that she was a solicitor. She headed back into the abyss of NYC with no clearer idea of where she was going but certain of what she would run from.
@ all: thanks for the love and understanding
@ summer: That means a lot coming from you, L hit it on the head
@moya and phoenix: no doubt. i didn't really think about it like that when i wrote it, but i'm glad it resonated for both of you.
thanx for the love.
keep fighting.
sm.
yes, this conciousness thing turns on it heads when we become so stringently attached to institutions. which goes to show education aint but a 10th of the solution. individualism is a funny thing because its been so bought by so many people and trying to get out of that box requires great courage, not just because its a status quo thing but because you never know where people are on thier journey...
But to resolve is the main thing, to resolve to be the person you can have the utmost respect for is important and i applaud you for that.
did you see my ego trip chez julianne? i was thinking of you, ms. bailey.
the leadership we are searching for is us
love!!! respect!!!
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