It's just emotions . . .

So the new delta line premiered during the Toni Cade Conference luncheon. I was already a little perturbed by the way the conference was going and the sight of some of my favorite people on line pushed my emotions further. People told me to be optimistic, to think that this was an effort by the delta's to be more diverse and to change the greek politics on Spelman's campus. I think that's crap.

I wore my "vote for sarah" sticker on my face as the new hopefuls came out, a desperate attempt to disrupt the energy of this ridiculous spectacle of which my very presence made me culpable too. I don't think it made the kind of statement I hoped it would.

And speaking of Sarah and her campaign, they (the administration? The delta's? is there a difference?) are trying to disqualify her. This is attempt two in what look like malicious actions to block her from changing this campus for the better.

And there is trouble in the friend sanctum, trouble that I can't fix, help, or heal. I think one of my friend is having some serious financial troubles. I have money, more rightly my parents have money, that I could lend or give, not that she'd take it. I forget my own class privilege and do and say things as ignorant as white people who touch our hair without asking. I think with her it's more than just money but that's all I've managed to gather. I have another friend who after months of not speaking is back in my life again with ridiculously scary emotional and mental baggage that she is only beginning to recognize as such yet she is still locked into the problematic cycle that gave her these wounds in the first place.

There's something else too, something that I feel is settling over the people, a deep malaise that's keeping our noses to the grindstone in a working limbo and in a state of treading the water of life. I feel like we are stuck in the monotony of the day and the vision of tomorrow is gone. We, even the activists, are trying to make it from moment to moment instead of being fully aware of where we are and where we want to be ultimately. I wonder if this entry will make sense as i'm writing at almost 5 in the morning after only a few hours of rest from the week before and i have little to show for the sleep deprivation I feel.

I hope that this uneasy running in place that's going on is purposeful in the sense that things are going to pick up sooner or later. I hope this is the proverbial calm before the storm and the storm will bring the lightening and thunder to startle us all back into conscious meaningful motion and the rain to wash away the funk and grow the seeds of struggle once again in our hearts.