offer white apologetics (instead of just apologizing)

 

 

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offer white apologetics (instead of just apologizing)

via stuff white people do by macon d on 1/16/10

This is a guest post for swpd by Willow, who writes of herself, "I'm a Midwestern divinity student and geek who believes that trashy science fiction B-movies are the key to surviving grad school. I'm white, Christian, feminist, disabled, and (as someone once said on some TV show) 'twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag.'"


"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

--The Princess Bride

If a white person participates in anti-racism discussions long enough and seriously enough, ze will mess up eventually.* We are all products of a racist society. And when that happens, we need to apologize to the person or people we hurt.

White people tend to be very, very bad at this.

Actually, many of us are very quick to say the two words "I'm sorry." But it rarely ends there. White people, especially, like to keep talking. What are we saying? I did a bit of research, by which I mean I read comments threads on a few blogs. I came to the conclusion that we are not, in fact, apologizing.

I present my research results to you as the "White Apologetics Drinking Game," located in this post's first comment. Credit for the idea goes to Star Wars fandom, RVCBard, and Witchsistah; in proper blogosphere fashion I also offer it in bingo card form (The drinking game is longer due to bingo-card format constraints).

The dictionary I have defines apology as "an expression of remorse for having wronged another person." That's not what white people tend to offer when they've messed up in a discussion on race, which is more like "a sentence or paragraph beginning with the words 'I'm sorry.'"

What I really see white people doing on anti-racist blogs is more like apologetics: "an excuse or a defense." Instead of genuinely expressing remorse for hurting another human being, white people tend to focus on justifying their actions, or on how the accusation makes them feel.

I call this common white behavior "White Apologetics," and I'll say flat out what the problem is here:

White Apologetics supports white supremacy.

Here's how that usually happens:

1. White Apologetics focuses the conversation on the white person.

Suddenly, the conversation is not about stuff white people do [to hurt people of color], but rather how the white person feels about it, or why the white person did it, but is still a good person, really.

But it shouldn't be about us. It should be about the person of color, who we've just hurt.

2. White Apologetics shifts the blame to POC.

Direct examples of this shift include "I'm sorry you took it that way," or "You misunderstood me." Yes, sometimes we state things badly, or don't convey sarcasm well. But misunderstanding our intent is not the fault of the person of color. The peoblem remains: a white person has hurt a person of color. And somehow that's the POC's fault? This is not Earth logic.


3. White Apologetics places an extra burden on POC.

White people tend to think, oddly enough, that when it comes to matters of race, our intentions matter more than the outcome of our actions. 

Let me ask you this -- if you say to me, "Willow, I didn't mean to run over your dog with my car," is my dog any less dead?

In conversations on race with POC, anything like "What I meant was..." is basically saying, "Dear [specific POC], why didn't you read my mind?" In many such cases, it's also saying, "Why can't you stay calm when discussing situations that negatively impact your life every single day?"

4. Still need motivation? White Apologetics makes you a Well-Intentioned White Liberal (WIWL).

White Apologetics is all about appearances. The person trying to apologize? Doesn't actually care about the person ze hurt. The white person only cares that everyone reading understands that ze really, truly is not racist. It's not about being an ally. It's about looking like one.

So, I have a few suggestions for what to do the next time you mess up:

1. Do understand that when a POC asks you to apologize, you probably do need to apologize (not necessarily, but there is an excellent chance).
2. Do read Tami's fantastic explanation, "When Allies Fail."
3. Do reflect on how you might have offended the POC, and do this reflection on your own (instead of blurting it out amidst a conversation on race -- that's an example of something called derailment).
4. If you still don't understand, ask. But give it a shot first.

And when you do ask:

5. Don't explain why you said what you said or did what you did.
6. Don't blame the POC.
7. Don't talk about how you feel.
8. Don't demand forgiveness.
9. Do try with everything in you not to do it again. You might.
10. Do reread your comment before you post it to make sure it isn't all about you.
11. Do understand that messing up does not make you a bad person.

In closing, I ask you to remember this: White Apologetics is a privilege. For white people, apologies to POC are usually about keeping up appearances, about looking good.

However, for many people of color, apologies are a matter of survival.

As Zara writes on this thread,

My "stock thought" when I talk race with white people -- well, I guess in my case it's a stock action -- is to apologize. Over and over and over.[...] I am always aware that I could lose any devotion or affection from my white friends and mentors by saying the wrong thing about race -- so when I talk race with white people, I shove excuses and apologies in there anywhere I can to make it easier for them to stomach. But here's the thing: I'M NOT SORRY.

Remember that. And then think about how you could offer a better apology, better than the common white non-apology that you're probably feeling inclined to give.

--

Guidelines for discussion in the Comments

I have asked Macon to monitor this comment thread carefully to avoid WP apologizing for previous White Apologetics -- especially a thread for this post, which is, ya know, about those White Apologetics.

Fellow white people: are there elements of your behavior that might trigger POC to feel a need to apologize when ze has not, in fact, done anything wrong? How can you change these? (Remember, no White Apologetics!)

Any additions to the drinking game?

Finally, I'm just another struggling, aspiring, wannabe white ally -- am I right about all of this?


*'Ze' and 'zir' are gender-neutral pronouns

 

 

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